Friday, October 10, 2008

Iron Chef America - a COOKING game???

In an unfortunate waste of my time and attention today, I had a coworker point out that he was eagerly awaiting the release of the "Iron Chef game for the Wii". When someone tells you something like this, it's natural to remain speechless for a moment or two, to allow for the gravity of the situation to fully sink in. This person is A). an adult male who B). claims to date women C). is not currently married and D). is eagerly awaiting the arrival of a cooking game. Also, there is, in fact, a cooking game.

Now don't get me wrong, as a woman there's nothing that I'd rather do than cook, sort socks, and do laundry. However, in MY kitchen, once I'm done slicing, chopping, mixing, sauteing, and stirring I have something to actually show for my work. What kind of brain trust comes up with sht like this??? "Hey, guys, I have this GREAT idea for a new game! It will be like the pretend cooking that you stopped doing when you were old enough to quit eating your own boogers. Only we're adding all kinds of graphics, so that will make it cool again!" And I want to know if the game makers go through the effort of making it seem realistic? Where you're half way through preparing the meal, and you realize that your husband has once again put the milk carton back in the fridge without enough milk in it to even fill a thimble. Or it turns out that the last box of elbow macaroni that you own is the one that just puked its contents all over the kitchen floor when the cat jumped up onto the counter to demand yet another feeding. Or after the meal is consumed you are faced with the task of doing a week's worth of dishes covered with what appears to be either dried on eggs or . . . well let's just hope it's eggs.

So along the lines of domestic gaming, I think that the folks at Black Lantern Studios would snap up this shovelware gem . I haven't worked out all of the details yet (like a catchy title), but players would face challenges of increasing difficulty in the laundry room. From sorting socks to removing sht stains from your husband's tighty whities, players of all ages could bring the magic of the laundry room into their very own living room. And isn't that what video games are all about?

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Casting for "The Corporation"

I am now fairly certain that I am part of some elaborate network television series concept test. It's not possible that this team of azzhats could have made it through any kind of interview process. I'm not sure that some of these people could even get a job at McDonald's. So I want to see if I can get ahead of the game and predict who they will be casting where.

Corky, aka Lowflow will be played by Steven Wright. However, this is purely to capture his look. Mr. Wright will be challenged with refraining from saying anything funny while making everyone else on the cast uncomfortable with his complete lack of social skills. His understudy will be Michael Jackson.

Racecar (so nicknamed because I'm pretty sure that he still sleeps in a red racecar bed in his mom's basement) will be played by Jason Alexander. More accurately, he should be played by Frank Caliendo doing his impression of George Costanza. Racecar spends much of his time on the telephone, and he prides himself in how many names he can drop in just one phone call.

Ideally, our boss would be played by Coach Buzzcut, but I doubt that Mike Judge would agree to such an attrocity. Therefore, he'll probably be played by Brad Childress as I can't think of anyone more uninspiring.